DRUNK JOKES:
Vol. 2
Two men are
drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I
discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you
fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense
that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while
wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that
could happen."
1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So
he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him
around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the
elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but
that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and
hurtles
toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around
the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow
drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." he jumps
over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th
floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You
know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.
A drunk was walking down the
beach when he came across a genie lamp.
Being somewhat skeptical, the drunk half-heartedly rubbed the lamp. To
his amazement there was a puff of blue smoke, and a genie appeared!
"You now have one wish", said the Genie.
"But I thought I got three", protested the drunk.
"You've been watching too much TV" said the genie. "Now
make it quick!"
"In that case, I'll take a MILLION BUCKS!"
In an instant there was another puff of smoke and the genie, as well as
the lamp, were gone. Surrounding the drunk were ducks, as far as the eye
could see.
First furious, then utterly depressed, the drunk walked aimlessly for
miles down the beach followed by an endless procession of ducks.
Finally, in the distance, he saw the bright neon lights of an ocean-side
bar. "Now, that's what I need!" he thought to himself. And,
doing what
came naturally, he went inside to drown his sorrows. As he sat down at
the bar another gentleman, noticing the ducks, said "Hey pal, what
gives?"
"Oh this stupid genie is hard of hearing! I actually asked for a
million
BUCKS!"
"I see", said the second man. "You know, I once found a
genie lamp too!"
"Really?" said the drunk. "What did you get?"
The second man pulled a small piano out of his pocket, then a miniature
stool. Finally he took a one-foot-tall man out of his pocket who sat
down and started playing bar songs.
"That's something else! But why did you ask for that?"
inquired the
drunk.
"Come on..." responded the second man, "You don't REALLY
think I asked
for a 12-inch pianist do you?"
Roy and Bill walk into a tavern at the
same time. They step up to the bar and they each order a beer. As they
strike up a conversation, they become quite excited:
Roy: Gee, you look familiar. Are you from around here?
Bill: Sure am. Lived here all my life. Grew up over on Barker Street.
Roy: Is that so. I grew up on Barker! What school did you attend?
Bill: I went to North Side Elementary and then Washington High School.
Roy: Same here! This is amazing. I graduated in 1946.
Bill: Now that is something. I graduated in '46 too! My home room
teacher was Miss Arnold.
Roy. Well I'll be. Miss Arnold was my home room teacher, too!!
Just then, the phone rang and the bartender answered. It was his
wife. "Are there many customers today?", she asked. "Naw",
answered the bartender. "The only people here are me and the Drunk Johnson twins."
A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a
shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside
and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the
drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and
I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the
second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA
Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST
DRINK!!!".
A drunken guy
was driving down a one way street the wrong way, a cop stopped him and
asked "didn't you see the arrows?" The drunk driver replied
"Arrows, Hell I didn't even see the Indians."
Staking out a
notoriously rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers, a cop watched from
his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the kerb
and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling
asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars
drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to
leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test.
When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled
policeman asked him how that was possible."Easy," was the
reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy".
Three guys come
into work Monday morning, each bragging about how drunk they were over
the weekend. The first says, "I was so drunk Saturday I was
blowing chunks all night." The second says, "That's nothing.
I was so drunk that I blacked out, tried to drive home, and wound up
spending Sunday in jail." The third then says "Big deal. I
got so drunk this weekend that I picked up a hooker, brought her home,
and was banging her on the kitchen counter when my wife walked in on
us." The first guy then interupts and says, "But you dont
understand... Chunks is my dog."
A drunk was walking
along the beach when he saw a bottle. He stopped and rubbed it and a
genie popped out.
"You have 3 wishes" said the genie.
The alcholic said, "I'll take a bottle that is never empty."
Whamo he has a bottle that is never empty and starts to drink. The
genie taps him on the shoulder and says, "and what are your other
two wishes?" "Oh," says the alcoholic, "I'll have
two more like this one."
One day in
Dodge City, a cowboy rides into town. He pulls up outside the saloon,
gets off of his horse, and ties him up to the hitchin post. He then
walks around back of it, lifts the tail and kisses the horses backside
with puckered lips. He then walks into the saloon. Across the street
an oldtimer can't believe what he has just seen, so he rushes across
the street and bursts into the saloon where he sees the cowboy
drinking at the bar. "Hey mister" he says, "did you
just kiss your hoss' ass?" "Yup" says the cowboy. The
oldtimer says, "if you don't mind me askin, why'd you do that?
"Cuz I got chapped lips," says the cowboy "And kissin
your hoss' ass cures chapped lips?" "Nope" says the
cowboy, "but it sure keeps me from lickin em."
Two rednecks, Bubba and Gator, were
driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of bud. The
passenger, Bubba,said. "Lookey thar up ahead, Gator, it's a po-lice
roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!
"Don't worry Bubba" Gator said. "We'll just pull over
and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our
foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?"
Asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin okay?" Said Gator.
Well, they finished their beers,threw the empty bottles under the
seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the
roadblock, the sherriff said, "You boys been drinkin?".
"No sir" Gator said. "We're on the patch."
One day in
Dodge City, a cowboy rides into town. He pulls up outside the saloon,
gets off of his horse, and ties him up to the hitchin post. He then
walks around back of it, lifts the tail and kisses the horses backside
with puckered lips. He then walks into the saloon. Across the street
an oldtimer can't believe what he has just seen, so he rushes across
the street and bursts into the saloon where he sees the cowboy
drinking at the bar. "Hey mister" he says, "did you
just kiss your hoss' ass?" "Yup" says the cowboy. The
oldtimer says, "if you don't mind me askin, why'd you do that?
"Cuz I got chapped lips," says the cowboy "And kissin
your hoss' ass cures chapped lips?" "Nope" says the
cowboy, "but it sure keeps me from lickin em."
Three guys come
into work Monday morning, each bragging about how drunk they were over
the weekend. The first says, "I was so drunk Saturday I was
blowing chunks all night." The second says, "That's nothing.
I was so drunk that I blacked out, tried to drive home, and wound up
spending Sunday in jail." The third then says "Big deal. I
got so drunk this weekend that I picked up a hooker, brought her home,
and was banging her on the kitchen counter when my wife walked in on
us." The first guy then interupts and says, "But you dont
understand... Chunks is my dog."
If you're not supposed to drink and drive, why do
bars have parking lots?
A bloke goes
into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints. The barman
gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by himself, but he serves
up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The bloke downs
them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and
calls to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!" The barman
serves up four pints and lines them on the bar. The bloke downs
them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly
on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after the other, he
knocks them back.... One, Two, Three. "Two pintsh, mate!" he
calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him. Down they
go.... One, Two. As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he
says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the glass. The
bloke sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to focus.
Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny
t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."
A drunk gets up from the bar and
heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling
scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream
reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate.
"What's all the screaming about
in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the
toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and sqeezes
the hell out of my balls," replies the drunk.
With that, the bartender opens the
door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop
wringer bucket!"
Two drunks were walking along
a railroad track. One says, "All these stairs are killing me."
The other says, "It's not the stairs that kill me, it's these low
railings."
A man walks into a bar and
notices a 100-dollar bill in a frame above the bar. He asks the
barkeep, "Was that the first hundred you made?"
"No", replied the bartender. "That's for a contest
we have but no one's ever won." "I want to play",
said the man. "Well", said the barkeep, "There are three
parts to this contest: The first thing you have to do is knock out
that bouncer over there. Only one man has ever done that.
The second thing you have to do is go out back. I have a pit-bull
out there with a loose tooth. You have to pull that tooth out.
The guy who knocked out my bouncer ended up in the hospital when he
tried that one. Finally, you have to make love to that 400-pound
woman sitting at the back of the bar. "Upon hearing the third
requirement, the man said "No thanks, I'll pass".
However, after a good amount of drinking the man reconsidered and yelled
to the barkeep "Bring it on! What's first?"
"The
bouncer" said the bartender. Upon hearing this, the man
promptly walked over to the bouncer and laid him out with one
punch. "Impressive! Now for the pit-bull", said the bartender.
The man went out
back. For about five minutes all that could be heard was barking
and crashing, and finally a dog's whimper. The man walked back
into the bar proudly and, zipping up his pants, said "Now where's
that fat bitch with the loose tooth?"
This really drunk guy walks up to a parking meter and puts in a quarter. He stares at the needle that has stopped at 60 and exclaims, "I can't believe I lost 100 pounds!"
What's the difference between a bar and a g-spot?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "He knows when to stop."
There was a guy who had at least 4-5 drinks of whiskey every day of his adult life. When he died, they cremated him, and it took two days to put out the fire!
How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you?
There's a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish Funeral?
One less drunk.
How many Irish does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty One. One to hold the bulb and twenty to drink until the room spins.
Three old ladies are walking down the street. They are hard of hearing.
One: "Whew, it's windy today!"
Two: "No. Today's Thursday!"
Three: "So am I! Let's go to a bar!
A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants. They were skin-tight,
high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" he asks.
"Well," she replied, "You can start by buying me a drink."
A beer was spilt on the barroom floor,
And the bar was closed for the night...
And out of his hole, crawled a little brown mouse,
Who made a funny sight...
He lapped up that beer, on the barroom floor,
And back on his haunches he sat...
And all through the night you could hear him yell,
"Bring on the damn cat!"
After spending a happy evening drinking together, two acquaintances promise to meet again in ten years at the same bar, same time.
Ten years later, the first guy walks in, looks around, and sure enough, there is his friend on a bar stool. He clasps the old friend's hand and cries, "The day we left, I didn't think I'd really see you here!"
The friend looks up, stares, sways slightly and asks, "Who left?"
A man's driving along when he's pulled over by a cop car.
A cop approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Nah, why?" replies the man. "Have I got a fat chick in my car?"
A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."
The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"
The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."
Studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant.
Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Camaro with sticky hair.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Two young Irish men were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said, "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?"
The other one said, "Two rattlesnakes!"
A rather drunk man was walking along the street one day. He was staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him, very nervous. The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked to the man's right.
After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, "Now how in the hell did she do that?"
The bar was getting ready to close, so he asked the nearest woman: "What would you say to a little "oral" activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"
This small skinny dude walks up to the bar and starts to sit on a bar stool, and a big dude on the next stool says, "That seat's taken!"
The little dude sits down anyway. The big dude grabs him and whacks him several times with the back of his hand and tells the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was Judo from Japan."
Next day the little dude returns, before the big dude gets a chance to hit him, he hits the big dude several times and the big dude falls to the floor. The little dude tells the bartender, "Tell that sucker when he wakes up, that was a Monkey Wrench from Sears."
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer and the bartender asks him to pay up. The guy says he has no money, but for the beer, he will sing through his asshole. The bartender is a little bit skeptical, but figures if the guy can do it, it's worth a beer. He agrees and the guy gets up on a stool, drop his pants, bends over, and then shits all over the bar. The bartender is pissed and screams, "What the hell did you do that for?"
The guy replies, "Sorry, I was just clearing my throat."
Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call,
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.
A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley.
He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?"
The bum replies, "Well, I am."
The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"
"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."
A guy goes up to a girl in bar and asks, "You want to play "Magic"?"
She says, "What's that?"
The guy answers, "We go to my house and screw, and then you disappear."
There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When the bar closes he gets up to go home. He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door. As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by. He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face. The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans over and punches her again.
This time the nun hits the pavement. The drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her in the butt, picks her up and throws her against the wall. By now the nun is very weak and can barely move. He leans over her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, "Not feeling too STRONG tonight, ARE YOU, BATMAN!"
This guy goes into a bar and sees a man pounding shots of bourbon as fast as the bartender can pour them. He watches for a while then finally goes up to the drunk.
"What kind of a way is that to drink good bourbon?" he asks.
"It's the only way I can drink it since my accident," the man replies, throwing down two more shots in fast order.
"What kind of accident was that?"
The man guzzles another shot, shudders and then answers, "I once knocked over a drink with my elbow."
An Irish guy walks into a bar. The bartender looks him up and down and says, "Hey, you got a steering wheel on your pecker."
The man replies, "Ay, it's driving me nuts!"
A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self conscious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance.
"Would you like to dance with me?" he asked.
She replied, "Would I!" and he sneered and told her,"BIG NOSE!"
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace.
Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
Bill sat at The Local Bar, bragging about his athletic prowess. None of the regulars challenged him, but a visitor piped up, "I'll bet you 50 bucks that I can push something in a wheelbarrow for one block and you can't wheel it back."
Bill looked over the skinny stranger and decided it wasn't much of a challenge. "I'll" take you on," he said.
The two men and a number of regulars borrowed a wheelbarrow and took it to the corner. "Now let's see what you're made of," taunted Bill.
"Okay," said the challenger. "Get in."
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
This guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand. He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand.
The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing.
So the bartender asks the guy, "Hey man I hope you don't mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?"
The man say's, "I have to get my date drunk!"
While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.He says, "Say, honey. . . I'd really like to get into those pants o' yours."
"Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there."
Sitting at the bar, glum Roger told the barkeeper that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement. "Yeah," said Roger, "would you marry someone who didn't know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?"
"No way in hell," the bartender said.
"Well," said Roger, "neither would my fiancée."
A guy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the guy drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The guy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?" The guy says, "Fifty cents."
McNamara walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."