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A Fair and Balanced Assessment


  • Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

  • Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. 

  • If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

  • Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.

  • Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

  • Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

  • Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

  • Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil. 

  • Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. 

  • Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.

  • Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

  • Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off.

  • Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.

  • Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

  • Turn off shower.

  • Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. 

  • Dry with towel the size of a small country.

  • Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. 

  • Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.

  • Tweeze hairs. 

  • Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 

  • If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.



  • Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.

  • Leave them in a pile.

  • Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.

  • Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.

  • Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.

  • Get in shower.

  • Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one.

  • Wash your face.

  • Wash your armpits.

  • Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.

  • Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower.

  • Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.

  • Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.

  • Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
    Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

  • Pee (in the shower).

  • Rinse off and get out of the shower. 

  • Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

  • Partially dry off.

  • Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again.

  • Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 

  • Leave bathroom fan and light on.

  • Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist.

  • If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

  • Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed

Gender Dictionary

THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...Any part under a car's hood.

Male.....The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another

Male.....Playing football without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner

Male.....Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n

Female...A desire to get married and raise a family

Male.....Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.

Female...A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male.....Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n

Female...An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

Male.....A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n

Female...The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve

Male.....Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed

TASTE (tayst) v.

Female... Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.

Male.... Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad prior to tossing it out.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another

Male.....A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes


A Women's Guide to Male English

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

A Man's Guide to Female English

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

The Answer To a Female Saying "What's Wrong?":
The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the butt

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

Male Stages of Life


17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.


17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping


17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."


17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid/Nazi love slave


17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - German Shepherd
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - Barbie


17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17

Female Stages of Life


17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig


17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping


17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"


17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man


17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat


17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66


17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew his breakfast


        Smart man + smart woman = romance
        Smart man + dumb woman = affair
        Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
        Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

        Smart boss + smart employee = profit
        Smart boss + dumb employee = production
        Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
        Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

        A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
        A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
        A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
        A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
        A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS: To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY: Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

        A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
        A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

        A woman has the last word in any argument.
        Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
and cackling, telling me,  You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was
postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were
asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for
a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue
hanging out.

COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right
buttons are pushed.
Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can
always see right through them.

SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha! thought I'd say male. But
consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying.