Female...Any part under a car's hood.
Male.....The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
Female...Fully opening up one's self
emotionally to another
Male.....Playing football without a cup.
Female...The open sharing of thoughts and
feelings with one's partner
Male.....Leaving a note before taking off for
a weekend with the boys
Female...A desire to get married and raise a
Male.....Not trying to pick up other women
while out with one's
Female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.....Anything that can be done while
drinking, and ends with sex
Female...An embarrassing by-product of
Male.....A source of entertainment,
self-statement male bonding
MAKING LOVE (may-king
Female...The greatest statement of intimacy a
couple can achieve
Male.....Call it whatever you want just as
long as we end up in bed
Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make
sure it's good.
Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad prior to
tossing it out.
(ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female...A device for changing from one TV
channel to another
Male.....A device for scanning through all
175 channels every 5 minutes
A Women's Guide to Male English
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
"I'm tired" = I'm tired
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to
have sex with you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to
have sex with you
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a
big deal out of this
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted
psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you" = Let's have sex now
"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it
doesn't look any different!
"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that
I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you
to have sex with other guys
"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any
freakin' dress and let's go home!
A Man's Guide to
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get
used to it
Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until
he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that
we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I
need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look
great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
The Answer To a Female Saying "What's Wrong?":
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the butt
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up
Male Stages of Life
AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 - My parents are away for the
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.
AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping
AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."
AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
AGE FAVORITE HOUSE PET
17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - German Shepherd
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - Barbie
AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET
17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17
Female Stages of
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig
17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"
17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man
17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66
17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew his breakfast
Smart man + smart woman =
Smart man + dumb woman =
Dumb man + smart woman =
Dumb man + dumb woman =
Smart boss + smart employee
Smart boss + dumb employee
Dumb boss + smart employee
Dumb boss + dumb employee =
A man will pay $2 for a $1
item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a
$2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the
future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about
the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who
makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one
who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS: To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a
little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try
understand her at all.
LONGEVITY: Married men live longer than single men, but married men
are a lot
more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man
expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman
expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word
in any argument.
Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts
used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
and cackling, telling me, You're next." They stopped after
I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it
postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers
asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for
a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right
buttons are pushed.
Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can
always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But
consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he