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You Might be an Alcoholic if ...

For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball hoop.

You are lying in bed and it feels like you're on a merry-go-round.

You sound like you're speaking a different language and get irritated when others don't understand you.

You walk up to a real big dude and ask, "Is it true big guys have real small peckers?"

You fart and then feel a lump in your back pocket.

 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

You wake up in the morning and fall off the hood of your car.

If you only have two brain cells left and they're not talking to each other

Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 

The parking lot seems to have moved when you were in the bar. 

You can focus better with one eye closed.

You bought your current pick-up truck because it has a cool place to hide a six pack.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 

For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence???  I don't think so!!!

You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your Oldsmobile. 

Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 

For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car. 

Worried friends call  to make sure you returned the goat. 

You drink long enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

You think the nutritional information on the back of a beer can is proof that you should be able to buy it with food stamps

When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle. 

The glass keeps missing your mouth. 

You fall off the floor... 

Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.

When vomiting becomes a relief.

Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.

You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 

Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 

Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's VomitMan!" 

The doorman asks for your ID just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. 

Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 

Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!

You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women/Men.

Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

"Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.

When you can focus better with one eye closed

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar

Every woman/man you see has an exact twin.

You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.

If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator.

You fall off the floor.

You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.

Job interfering with your drinking

You know for certain that putting your foot on the floor does not stop the room from spinning.

The producers of the television program "Cops" still send you Christmas cards

The glass keeps missing your mouth.

When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?

Vampires get woozy after bitting you.

The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.

At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.

Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.

No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...

Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem

If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.

Take me drunk, I'm home!

The bottle's empty...that's the problem!

Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.

You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.

You drink to get over a hangover.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's liscense.

The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.

I'm as jober as a sudge!

You consider yourself a workaholic, becuase every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!

I slept with that damned pink elephant again.

Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.

You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC!

You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party in Waikiki.

You know the punch line to "Why does an Al-Anoner close her eyes to make love?"

Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.

You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up.

When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.

Beer Tender! Get me another Bar!

The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.

You have awakened with an overwelming feeling that you should go back and apologize... but you don't remember where.

Do you <your name> take this woman/manů

You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list.

You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap.

Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.

Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it.

You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish.

Because you're not as think you are drunk I am...

Salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.

Your favorite drink is ethanol.

Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?!

You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family.

You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem.

Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected.

I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. <hic-cup> Pash me another, tarbender.

You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.